Musings From The 10th.....

I have always felt that something was missing and I could never quite put my finger on it. Recently it occurred to me that for as long as I can remember I have always felt alone, a misfit, different and out of place. I guess it is the reason I over compensated much of my life and have felt the need to please and be accepted. That was until I met Anne. Anne made me a better person. Without knowing it, she taught me to be more.....

On a Father's Day when I think back to my father and the fact that I never really had a chance to get to know the man, his thoughts, his dreams and whether he felt he realized them, I think of my son Connor. If I were to sum him up in one word it would be success. Not material but in being a good and balanced human being. He is not perfect, just as none of us are. He procrastinates at times, is still trying to figure out what budgeting is vs knowing HOW TO budget however, in the important things he is kind, considerate, understanding.....

I'm afraid I did not do enough for my boys. At the time, everytime, I thought I was doing the right thing. Unfortunately there were times when I was wrong.....very wrong. [And Then] I have had more time to reflect on that feeling and have realized that I can't beat myself up for doing something which I thought was right, simply because in the end the outcome was not what I had hoped. The intent is what was important. Now, if the result created a situation that was hurtful or if my motives were misunderstood then the only solution at this point is to talk it out and hope the explanation resonates in a way that helps being able to [understand?????]

Parents aren't supposed to admit this but...in so many ways he was my favourite. I saw a little boy so full of life, curiosity, mischief and fearless. I had dreams of him becoming anything he wanted. We were so close....and then. He left. We had a huge fight, which got physical, and he left home. I tried to get him back but he was taken in by Katerina's parents. At one point he even changed his last name to Barton. All these years have gone by and I cannot understand why he has never come back.