Musings From The 10th.....

How do I start this? What and I trying to accomplish? Who is it for? "It seems that you have spent your whole life worrying about and trying to take care of everyone around you and feeling the need to fix things. Perhaps it is time you started to focus on and take care of yourself." Those words have been voiced by some who are close to me and most recently in July, 2019 by Gillian Harris, my counsellor/therapist. On the surface those words imply that I was on a mission to solve everyone else problems. In part that may have been true however, I realize now that in many cases I was probably seeking validation through caring for others. This was not a conscious purpose but more so a boy, then man, who wanted to be part of the lives of people he met and liked. I vividly recall Evan telling me that I was obsessed with image and showing people I had the best of everything. Evan's perception was not my reality however, I now realize why he may have perceived it that way.  ...

When Mike died I felt like I had lost my brother and that loss also started to take me to a place of introspection. Thinking about mortality and what I still wanted to do with my life. How I could enjoy every minute, every second with Anne, my boys and in general. This started me down the path I am on and I soon realized I would have to exorcise some personal demons if I was to have success..... The other thing Mike said to me in October 2018, when I was visiting him was, "I have not regretted any decision I made in my life." For the longest time I couldn't think about my own life in the same way until one day I realized something. I looked back and, while there were some outcomes I regretted, I realized that all of the decisions one makes bring you top where you are today. Today and every day I am happy with my life. Given that, I know that all the decisions were good ones in the end..... Not my decisions but do some of the outcomes