the letter
How do I start this? What and I trying to accomplish? Who is it for?
"It seems that you have spent your whole life worrying about and trying to take care of everyone around you and feeling the need to fix things. Perhaps it is time you started to focus on and take care of yourself."
Those words have been voiced by some who are close to me and most recently in July, 2019 by Gillian Harris, my counsellor/therapist. On the surface those words imply that I was on a mission to solve everyone else problems. In part that may have been true however, I realize now that in many cases I was probably seeking validation through caring for others. This was not a conscious purpose but more so a boy, then man, who wanted to be part of the lives of people he met and liked. I vividly recall Evan telling me that I was obsessed with image and showing people I had the best of everything. Evan's perception was not my reality however, I now realize why he may have perceived it that way.
Today Is Not Yesterday
One hopes that introspection leads to self discovery and possibly the odd revelation. I suppose I have always tended towards introspection however, I am now at an age and stage of my life where I have found myself more introspective than ever before. I think that over the past few years it has simply been a function of age and contemplating my mortality however, the passing on March 1,2019 of my dearest and best friend, Mike, was a catalyst that drove me towards where I am today. It was time to try and understand why I am where I am today and how I feel about that. Well, actually I knew I was not as happy with who I was as I wanted to be.
I always thought I knew myself well and was good at dealing with any situation. My friend Jason likes to use the term, "you don't know what you don't know". In my case the application of that phrase has caused me to realize what I haven't known for most of my life. I actually didn't know how to handle adversity as well as I thought. Fighting your way through conflict is not always the best path and, in fact, is probably counter productive to finding a happy solution to most situations. My boys will tell you I always had to have the last word. They are right, and again, it was my way of knowing I had th control I needed.
Now, the thing is, I have always been very self aware which almost seems like a contradiction. I mean, if I was so self aware then why did I not realize I actually wasn't very good at navigating situations where I felt I was not in control. And, I needed control in order to make sure that my world had order. If you couple that with a person who was more concerned about taking care of those around him, rather that taking care of himself he had chaos on many occasions. Internal chaos of the first order.
The question became, why do you always feel angry or out of control...because I wanted to control everything.
Feelings
As I mentioned above, I remember Evan once telling me that all I cared about was people seeing me as better, as having to wear the nice brand of clothes and have people admire me. In fact, as I said here in an earlier post, for as long as I can remember I have always felt alone, a misfit, different and out of place. I know now it was the reason I over compensated much of my life. Overcompensating by needing to please and be accepted. So Evan was in fact observing my behaviour as braggadociousness when it was fear. It was a need to be accepted. A need that was not fulfilled as a young child.
So often I would find myself feeling anxiety and lost and I never understood why. I now think I know. I simply did not have the tools necessary to deal with most difficult life situations. My path was to bull my way through. Being adamant that I knew what the path and solution was.
Now I find myself realizing that if I had managed myself differently, if, in so many difficult situations, I would have reacted differently with the most important people in my life. If that would have happened then my life and the people I cared for would have felt cared for rather than mad, scared or distanced by my behaviour.
Here I Am.....NOW!
Now my hope is that those important people will read this with an open mind, as if they have never met me. Hear me as I am now, not as I was. (EVAN My hope is that we can rebuild trust.)
My Perspective Is Not As Important As Yours
I realize that when I was emotionally invested I always wanted to make sure I was doing the best I could for those I cared for. What I didn't realize was I had to make sure my best was framed and directed with their perspective and needs in that particular situation.
Evan - Seeing everything differently has made me realize how hard you were trying
"It seems that you have spent your whole life worrying about and trying to take care of everyone around you and feeling the need to fix things. Perhaps it is time you started to focus on and take care of yourself."
Those words have been voiced by some who are close to me and most recently in July, 2019 by Gillian Harris, my counsellor/therapist. On the surface those words imply that I was on a mission to solve everyone else problems. In part that may have been true however, I realize now that in many cases I was probably seeking validation through caring for others. This was not a conscious purpose but more so a boy, then man, who wanted to be part of the lives of people he met and liked. I vividly recall Evan telling me that I was obsessed with image and showing people I had the best of everything. Evan's perception was not my reality however, I now realize why he may have perceived it that way.
Today Is Not Yesterday
One hopes that introspection leads to self discovery and possibly the odd revelation. I suppose I have always tended towards introspection however, I am now at an age and stage of my life where I have found myself more introspective than ever before. I think that over the past few years it has simply been a function of age and contemplating my mortality however, the passing on March 1,2019 of my dearest and best friend, Mike, was a catalyst that drove me towards where I am today. It was time to try and understand why I am where I am today and how I feel about that. Well, actually I knew I was not as happy with who I was as I wanted to be.
I always thought I knew myself well and was good at dealing with any situation. My friend Jason likes to use the term, "you don't know what you don't know". In my case the application of that phrase has caused me to realize what I haven't known for most of my life. I actually didn't know how to handle adversity as well as I thought. Fighting your way through conflict is not always the best path and, in fact, is probably counter productive to finding a happy solution to most situations. My boys will tell you I always had to have the last word. They are right, and again, it was my way of knowing I had th control I needed.
Now, the thing is, I have always been very self aware which almost seems like a contradiction. I mean, if I was so self aware then why did I not realize I actually wasn't very good at navigating situations where I felt I was not in control. And, I needed control in order to make sure that my world had order. If you couple that with a person who was more concerned about taking care of those around him, rather that taking care of himself he had chaos on many occasions. Internal chaos of the first order.
The question became, why do you always feel angry or out of control...because I wanted to control everything.
Feelings
As I mentioned above, I remember Evan once telling me that all I cared about was people seeing me as better, as having to wear the nice brand of clothes and have people admire me. In fact, as I said here in an earlier post, for as long as I can remember I have always felt alone, a misfit, different and out of place. I know now it was the reason I over compensated much of my life. Overcompensating by needing to please and be accepted. So Evan was in fact observing my behaviour as braggadociousness when it was fear. It was a need to be accepted. A need that was not fulfilled as a young child.
So often I would find myself feeling anxiety and lost and I never understood why. I now think I know. I simply did not have the tools necessary to deal with most difficult life situations. My path was to bull my way through. Being adamant that I knew what the path and solution was.
Now I find myself realizing that if I had managed myself differently, if, in so many difficult situations, I would have reacted differently with the most important people in my life. If that would have happened then my life and the people I cared for would have felt cared for rather than mad, scared or distanced by my behaviour.
Here I Am.....NOW!
Now my hope is that those important people will read this with an open mind, as if they have never met me. Hear me as I am now, not as I was. (EVAN My hope is that we can rebuild trust.)
My Perspective Is Not As Important As Yours
I realize that when I was emotionally invested I always wanted to make sure I was doing the best I could for those I cared for. What I didn't realize was I had to make sure my best was framed and directed with their perspective and needs in that particular situation.
Evan - Seeing everything differently has made me realize how hard you were trying
Not looking for sympathy
I’m sorry if how I handled things caused you angst…at the time I always thought I was doing the right thing
My insecurities drove a lo of my behaviour.
They stem from a childhood of….
I am not trying to place blame on my parents for how I turned out and not equipped to deal…they were doing things as best as they knew how
My insecurities drove a lo of my behaviour.
They stem from a childhood of….
I am not trying to place blame on my parents for how I turned out and not equipped to deal…they were doing things as best as they knew how
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